It has not been unsurprising this last week for me to quickly oscillate from jumping with joy and all but dancing to a deep crippling sadness. These wild swings in emotion are all tied to the complete hysterectomy (and oophrectomy- removal of the ovaries) that I will be having this coming Wednesday. In a few short days my life will be forever changed.  I have so many mixed up emotions about the procedure and the finality of it all that I am struggling to sort through it all. 

On the one hand, I am overjoyed. Finally, I will not be in pain every single day. Due to the nature of my endometriosis, adenomyosis, and PCOS I live in a near constant state of pain and have for so long I cannot identify a beginning. This last year the pain has increased dramatically. For these reasons, I cannot wait to end that pain by removing the causes of it and to allow me the chance to be more fully present in life. Pain takes a lot out of you. 

On the other hand, I am devastated by the loss. After years of trying, years of fertility treatments and six babies lost to miscarriage it is hard to accept the finality of the situation, for sure now I will know I will never carry a baby to term. I will never be able to have that experience or give that gift to my husband. This is a hard thing to accept and some moments I am handling it better than others. 

Then, if I had a third hand, it would hold all of my ambivalence. I am so ready to close this painful chapter in my life, a chapter that has been filled with anguish and heartbreak. Simultaneously, I know the official close of the chapter will leave its own painful wound. 

When I attempt to process all of these emotions it seems like too much and I know next week will be hard. I feel as though I can see a train of emotional pain, release, happiness and confusion barreling towards me and I know it is going to hit soon but I don’t know how to brace for the impact. 

Then there comes the logistical part. I have been obsessed with this portion of my surgery for a few reasons. One, all reports show variable recoveries from the type of surgery I am having so I want to over prepare for the kids during my 4-8 week recovery so that I know it is covered regardless (all while praying I am one of the ones who bounces back quickly). When you have five kids, all five and under, with special needs it is quite anxiety causing to know you won’t be on your A game for a while and for my sanity I just needed to know I had back up. My Dad is amazing and understanding this need made a spreadsheet of times for everyone who is helping with the kids during my recovery so I can rest easy knowing it is planned and worked out. The other reason I have been so focused on logistics just occurred to me this morning. I am focusing on that because that is something easy and tangible to focus on instead of these large and confusing emotions I am feeling. 

It’s a lonely feeling when you are not even sure yourself how you are feeling. I don’t even know how to begin to really explain it so it’s not something I can easily share with others so they know how I am doing. Some moments I am ok and then some moments, like this last Monday, I find myself crying continuously without any identifiable reason. I’m thankful to have the Lord to lean on in these times. I know even when I can’t descern exactly what’s happening on my heart, I know the Lord knows, feels it with me, and is there to walk through this storm with me.