Before I joined the LDS church I had a coffee problem, like I made a 12 cup pot of coffee for just me on a daily basis and frequented coffee shops on top of that. I was a coffee girl, just imagine a real life version of Lorelai Gilmore. About a year ago, right before I joined the church I gave up coffee to follow the Word of Wisdom. Suddenly, after a year of being coffee free I have been missing coffee, a lot. Why?
Today as I walked through Target I passed the Starbucks located in the front of the store and the familiar smell of a coffee shop filled my nose and at the same moment an epiphany hit me hard, stopping me in my tracks. It’s not about the coffee, not at all.
Life has been great, crazy, miraculous, and rough lately. In the last three years absolutely everything about our lives has changed. Three years ago I would have described myself as a coffee addict, a neat freak of Monica Gellar proportions, an avid reader, someone who loved things like knitting, cross-stitch, hiking, antiques, etc. Three years ago we lived in West Virginia minutes away from my best friend and Tyler’s side of the family. Three years ago we also were not parents yet, we were aching for a child. Compare that to today and we live in Pennsylvania, about forty minutes from said best friend and family. Today we also are the parents of five children four and under. Additionally, and most importantly, if I had to describe myself today it would be as a stay at home mom and a wife and that’s about it. I no longer drink the coffee, I had (until recently) completely given up on trying to fight the mess created by so many young kids, I rarely have the brain power left at the end of the day to read, I still like knitting and cross-stich but needles and crafts don’t do well when combined with toddlers and babies, I have too many kiddos not walking to be able to hike and taking kids to an antique store is a recipe for disaster.
It is not about the coffee, it all comes down to the fact that all of these crazy, wonderful changes has resulted in me now having no clue who I am anymore. I am not sure who I am in this new life we have created. We moved to a new state changing a lot of things, we became parents to a large family overnight changing lots more, add in joining the church and there is almost nothing that has not changed. I try to take time for myself, I am not good at it but I try and when I do I try to do the things I used to do only that isn’t working. I am not the same person anymore and so much has been going on that I am not sure what this new person needs to do for relaxation. Typically, you became a parent when one baby comes into your home and you have a window of adjustment to try and figure out the balance of individual and mom. We added five kids at once and the chaos meant I looked up one day, today, and realized I have no clue who I am?
Now I need to figure out who this new chick is. How do you figure yourself out?